Scared

I am legit scared. I am scared of the embarassment, shame, disappointment, loss of faith, and hardship that may lie ahead.

I can make excuses. I can blame my identity crisis, problems at work, family issues, personal life drama, and depression.

Instead I will take action. I will own the mistakes I've made so far, come up with several strategies of handling the problem, work my tail off to get back on track, be prepared to pick myself up and keep going if I am not successful, and be secure in the knowledge that from this point forward, I have done my best.

Did that just happen?

Rob- walking up to me, papers in hand. "Come over here"
Rob- Showing me papers, and I can't understand. "Go home"
Me- "I passed?"
Rob- "Yep"

Still doesn't feel real.

Dear J Part II

Dear J,

I often think about how circumstances in our lives are only so by a hair- anything different and I might not be where I am now.

My thought process today was as follows- I was thinking about how I hate where I live. I thought back to when my parents were looking at that house, on Ralph I think. If we had bought the house, I might be a lot happier about my living arrangements, but, and this is the scary part, I might not have you. And that thought is terrifying to me. This might be for two different reasons. First, if I lived that far from Rachel, she might not have met me at my house first before going for sushi. What if that time difference made me miss Kandace, and therefore miss out on the opportunity to be encouraged to seek you out. Or what if I didn't meet Kandace and therefore didn't get as much exposure to the fire department, and decided not to join, or not to join as soon as I did. Then I would never have met you. That idea scares me. So I'd rather hate where I live and have you than love where I live and never know you existed. I don't even want to think about that.

I'd rather just tell u, fuck it, show you where I live, get past the embarassment, and move on. I'd rather everyone knew how I felt about you. I'd rather be in a position to be with you, and I'm so sorry that I'm not right now. I will be as soon as I call upon strength I need to get there. And then I will ask you out, and you will be mine and I will be yours. Until then, and after that too, I will cherish your caress, your kiss, and the feeling I get when I think about you, because I know it all could be gone in an instant.

I think about you constantly and I care for you more than you know.

-T

*Sigh*

Dear J,

I wish I could tell you how much I think about you. Sometimes I slip and kind of let you know, but I don't think you realize how much I feel for you. I wish I could tell you that when you're happy, I'm happy, and that I worry about you, and that I'm rooting for you as you pursue your dreams. But if I told you those things you would realize that I'm falling for you, hard. When I told you I wasn't looking for other people right now, because I liked you better, I didn't realize that you would shut it down the way you did. But you were right, we aren't together, and I should be looking for someone who I can be with, who will take care of me. I know I should be looking for this person, but if tomorrow you offered to be that person, I would choose you in a heartbeat.

The fact that you'll be gone come September is like a looming shadow of reality that I don't want to face, but know I will have to. The sad part is I'm so excited for you, so happy that your dreams are coming true, but at the same time I don't want to lose you. If only I could tell you that.

I wish I could tell you that I'm sorry I didn't have feelings for you the first time around, when you had them for me, or atleast I think you did. This time is different, and this time I can't stop thinking about your amazing blue eyes. This time I get this funny nervous, excited sort of feeling when I think about all the things I want to do with you. This time, I'm wishing I felt this way last time, or that you felt the same way as you did then, this time.

I wish I could tell you that I still like T, because I do, but I'm afraid that if I tell you that you'll get upset or something. In all honesty, you probably wouldn't. But I like you way more than T. And as long as I have you, however much of you I have, I don't want T, or anybody else. Maybe I shouldn't have told you that, but it's just how I feel and I can't help that.

If I didn't have you, I would be lost. What if I end up getting T by some miracle, or for that matter, D. D would be a long shot, though. So let's just say I manage to get T. Then what? Damn. I'm scared. I'm so unhappy with my life right now, feeling overwhelmed in school, not having enough money, hating where I live, getting antsy to get my own place. I feel like a failure because I don't have a good job and I can't support myself, or atleast pay for basic stuff like car insurance and books for school. I hate being 19 years old and relying on other people.

If nothing else, I want you to know that I care about you more than you could ever imagine.

-T

J and B

You go to bed thinking about one person, and wake up thinking about 2.

You can’t forget the rhythmic breathing of one person as you felt it with your head on their chest, or the shuddering and jerking of the other as they lay before you under the bright white lights.

You cant forget the feel of one persons body hot against yours as you lay next to each other, or the coolness and limpness of the other’s arm as you cradled it in your hand.

You can’t forget how much you needed one person for security, or how much the other needed you for survival.

Then the understanding of one helps you move past the haunting memory of the other.

J and G

:)

"You're going to be an excellent EMT. You have a good sense of what to do, when to do it, and what order to do it in. You seem like you have a good instinct for that. You're soaking this stuff right up."
Thanks R. Means a lot. Really.