*Sigh*

Dear J,

I wish I could tell you how much I think about you. Sometimes I slip and kind of let you know, but I don't think you realize how much I feel for you. I wish I could tell you that when you're happy, I'm happy, and that I worry about you, and that I'm rooting for you as you pursue your dreams. But if I told you those things you would realize that I'm falling for you, hard. When I told you I wasn't looking for other people right now, because I liked you better, I didn't realize that you would shut it down the way you did. But you were right, we aren't together, and I should be looking for someone who I can be with, who will take care of me. I know I should be looking for this person, but if tomorrow you offered to be that person, I would choose you in a heartbeat.

The fact that you'll be gone come September is like a looming shadow of reality that I don't want to face, but know I will have to. The sad part is I'm so excited for you, so happy that your dreams are coming true, but at the same time I don't want to lose you. If only I could tell you that.

I wish I could tell you that I'm sorry I didn't have feelings for you the first time around, when you had them for me, or atleast I think you did. This time is different, and this time I can't stop thinking about your amazing blue eyes. This time I get this funny nervous, excited sort of feeling when I think about all the things I want to do with you. This time, I'm wishing I felt this way last time, or that you felt the same way as you did then, this time.

I wish I could tell you that I still like T, because I do, but I'm afraid that if I tell you that you'll get upset or something. In all honesty, you probably wouldn't. But I like you way more than T. And as long as I have you, however much of you I have, I don't want T, or anybody else. Maybe I shouldn't have told you that, but it's just how I feel and I can't help that.

If I didn't have you, I would be lost. What if I end up getting T by some miracle, or for that matter, D. D would be a long shot, though. So let's just say I manage to get T. Then what? Damn. I'm scared. I'm so unhappy with my life right now, feeling overwhelmed in school, not having enough money, hating where I live, getting antsy to get my own place. I feel like a failure because I don't have a good job and I can't support myself, or atleast pay for basic stuff like car insurance and books for school. I hate being 19 years old and relying on other people.

If nothing else, I want you to know that I care about you more than you could ever imagine.

-T