Dear J Part II

Dear J,

I often think about how circumstances in our lives are only so by a hair- anything different and I might not be where I am now.

My thought process today was as follows- I was thinking about how I hate where I live. I thought back to when my parents were looking at that house, on Ralph I think. If we had bought the house, I might be a lot happier about my living arrangements, but, and this is the scary part, I might not have you. And that thought is terrifying to me. This might be for two different reasons. First, if I lived that far from Rachel, she might not have met me at my house first before going for sushi. What if that time difference made me miss Kandace, and therefore miss out on the opportunity to be encouraged to seek you out. Or what if I didn't meet Kandace and therefore didn't get as much exposure to the fire department, and decided not to join, or not to join as soon as I did. Then I would never have met you. That idea scares me. So I'd rather hate where I live and have you than love where I live and never know you existed. I don't even want to think about that.

I'd rather just tell u, fuck it, show you where I live, get past the embarassment, and move on. I'd rather everyone knew how I felt about you. I'd rather be in a position to be with you, and I'm so sorry that I'm not right now. I will be as soon as I call upon strength I need to get there. And then I will ask you out, and you will be mine and I will be yours. Until then, and after that too, I will cherish your caress, your kiss, and the feeling I get when I think about you, because I know it all could be gone in an instant.

I think about you constantly and I care for you more than you know.

-T