*Sigh*

Dear J,

I wish I could tell you how much I think about you. Sometimes I slip and kind of let you know, but I don't think you realize how much I feel for you. I wish I could tell you that when you're happy, I'm happy, and that I worry about you, and that I'm rooting for you as you pursue your dreams. But if I told you those things you would realize that I'm falling for you, hard. When I told you I wasn't looking for other people right now, because I liked you better, I didn't realize that you would shut it down the way you did. But you were right, we aren't together, and I should be looking for someone who I can be with, who will take care of me. I know I should be looking for this person, but if tomorrow you offered to be that person, I would choose you in a heartbeat.

The fact that you'll be gone come September is like a looming shadow of reality that I don't want to face, but know I will have to. The sad part is I'm so excited for you, so happy that your dreams are coming true, but at the same time I don't want to lose you. If only I could tell you that.

I wish I could tell you that I'm sorry I didn't have feelings for you the first time around, when you had them for me, or atleast I think you did. This time is different, and this time I can't stop thinking about your amazing blue eyes. This time I get this funny nervous, excited sort of feeling when I think about all the things I want to do with you. This time, I'm wishing I felt this way last time, or that you felt the same way as you did then, this time.

I wish I could tell you that I still like T, because I do, but I'm afraid that if I tell you that you'll get upset or something. In all honesty, you probably wouldn't. But I like you way more than T. And as long as I have you, however much of you I have, I don't want T, or anybody else. Maybe I shouldn't have told you that, but it's just how I feel and I can't help that.

If I didn't have you, I would be lost. What if I end up getting T by some miracle, or for that matter, D. D would be a long shot, though. So let's just say I manage to get T. Then what? Damn. I'm scared. I'm so unhappy with my life right now, feeling overwhelmed in school, not having enough money, hating where I live, getting antsy to get my own place. I feel like a failure because I don't have a good job and I can't support myself, or atleast pay for basic stuff like car insurance and books for school. I hate being 19 years old and relying on other people.

If nothing else, I want you to know that I care about you more than you could ever imagine.

-T

J and B

You go to bed thinking about one person, and wake up thinking about 2.

You can’t forget the rhythmic breathing of one person as you felt it with your head on their chest, or the shuddering and jerking of the other as they lay before you under the bright white lights.

You cant forget the feel of one persons body hot against yours as you lay next to each other, or the coolness and limpness of the other’s arm as you cradled it in your hand.

You can’t forget how much you needed one person for security, or how much the other needed you for survival.

Then the understanding of one helps you move past the haunting memory of the other.